


Balderdash

by JKAY



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Author may be unapologetic, OC, author is crazy, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2014-05-07
Packaged: 2018-01-23 21:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1580138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JKAY/pseuds/JKAY
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She has... apparatus. Functional apparatus? She doesn't know, I don't even know. Lets just follow the rest of these guys and find out yeah? a muchly wip. also very confused author. What am I doing here? (I don't know much about this story actually it is literally writing itself.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one (so clever)

She read a lot. A lot. Not even because she thought it'd be good for her. She just felt the impulse to read, much like a chocolate addict feels the impulse to indulge in something fancy with chocolate involved.   
Then the hobbit movie happened, and she decided she ought to the read the book. Why not. The movie was fantastic. The book's always better. It's a law of... firmly accepted truths; The book is alway better. She went to the library.   
Then the hobbit was a glorious read. So she bought the book.   
Then looked up the author.  
Then saw that there was, what could be compared to a small box of books set in the same universe by the same author. So, she followed the formula of the first experience. She watched the movies (by the same director, with recurring actors... or more accurately, initial actors.) and went to the library and rented the first book; The fellowship of the ring.  
She did not devour the book with her eyes as she did with the hobbit. It took time. She'd barely made it past the barrow wight section when an extraordinary light engulfed her, she felt an excruciating pain in her limbs and she was dumped unceremoniously out of the bright engulfment and into a dusty rock floor.   
This story will now indulge in minor details and feelings. Marvelous.

Chapter One. (clever beginnings begin with numerically correct Chapters.)  
She hurt, much. Still, at least the bright light had ceased. She cringed at the pain still ricocheting through her extremities. The stone beneath her was cold. She trembled with unidentifiable thoughts and tried to accept her current discombobulation.   
Then she realized, while she could not see even inches before her nose for all the dark that surrounded her, her ears functioned just fine. There was an echoing sound. An echoing empty sound. She was obviously in some horribly dark cavern. A very large horrible cold dark cavern. Damn.  
And the sound echoing seemed it was getting closer. Damn damn damn.  
She struggled to her feet. Then stopped struggling because she made discernible noise with the effort. She tried softly groping out in the dark and found a ledge to her immediate left-ah it was not a ledge, upon further investigation, it was actually a step. And then the step after that was a ledge and she almost fell. and died, belatedly. 

She stifled her usual annoyed grumbling because of survival reasons, and struggled up the steps to her right. The echoing, which had seemed to be coming closer was now at the exact same level as before. She decided that echoes were an unreliable source of information and she'd just have to be alert for movement in the dark... as far as she could make out... she'd have to extend her senses like a good fictional character and sense when some thing so much as breathed within 10 feet of her.   
Y-es, damn. this was going to end badly. 

Her fingers hurt. It felt odd, a bit, like an ache and she felt that she could not stretch them out very far. Had she sprained some node in her back? Some nerve center that controlled fine tuned motions like fingers crooking and grasping? She wiggled her toes in her socks and determined they felt absolutely normal, despite obvious amounts of lint between her toes.  
Ah, a light. A white light.  
Flames? No, duh, yellow for flames in the dark, white... usually that's sunlight!   
She then did grumble to her feet and limped towards the... the receding light... ?!

Sunlight did not move away the closer you got to it! She stopped in her tracks staring dismally and re-evaluated her options. Or, better to say, evaluated them clearly in her head for the first time since finding herself in this ... place.   
Follow the sunlight. She decided. Because she could not evaluate things that hadn't happened, she decided a good character would do an action to further the story. So.. on-wards.


	2. two (I didn't mean to be inarticulate)

She almost ran into a wall. How? Well, she was thinking while she was walking.  
Stupid. She needed to be more aware, not fall down a ledge. and die. It was too dark to be stupid. She needed to follow the light but also be aware of where she was putting her feet. 

She extended her arms, one ahead, one to the side. Her finger tips touched stone on the side, so she pressed them firmly to the wall and shuffled forward carefully. The light was moving steadily. She decided as long as it kept it's current pace she could creep along behind and not be too inconvenienced.  
Then she heard low murmurs, voices distorted by distance, or echoes or stone. Many options and no answers. She couldn't so much as discern syllables as tone. The voices were probably originating from the white light she was creeping up on. Good. Humans. Spelunkers or miners or some civilized humans with some means of communicating with the outside world... or a map, or a helpful guide to help her out of this place. Something to cheer her up. 

She grinned. Things were looking up. 

She turned a corner and got a clear view of the source of the light. A stone on a stick.  
Her grin fell off her face. 

An old man with a beard and aforementioned stick. A woman with blonde-shit... man with blonde hair and a bow drawn and an arrow knocked pointed in her direction. And a couple of small... kids. and two grown ass adults. and another small hairy human.  
eh. She stood for a full minute and they all took stock of one another. 

"Sup." she warbled. 

"?" The old man spoke. In a weird ass language. She could not understand.

"sorry?" she tried

"!" the blonde haired man... very lovely eyes she noted... said. Commanded? He spoke, okay that's all she got from that interaction. They can talk. She can't understand them. That's that. Life will work it out. They all look disturbingly familiar though.  
She swallows back a rising hysterical laugh.

Cosplayers. The word struck her between the eyes from within her brain.

YES! 

and cosplayers would speak.. elvish or something. But that was breaking character cause she was sure Gandalf doesn't speak elvish often in the movies... So...

"-?" one of the hobbit cosplayers lilted. He was... sam. Samwise! A perfect cosplay, what a likeness. She grinned at him. His eyes got wide and he backed up a step. She stopped grinning because aparantly it was intimidating. Not a response cosplayers get usually? 

"Sir, I can appreciate a well done effort. You are the spitting image of your character." She informed him. 

He swallowed nervously and looked at his companions who had huddled protectively in front of him. 

"You're all very good actually. Uhm, and that brings me to, actually my predicament which is actually I don't know where I am. So..." She stopped speaking when the gandalf cosplayer laid a hand on the legolas cosplayer's arm. Legolas relaxed the pull, lowered his bow and his head tilted smoothly a centimeter to the side as he and the rest of the cosplayers examined her with confusion. 

"uh, so... how'd you guys get in here?" She attempted another smile. It went horribly, the hobbits all tensed up and the boromir cosplayer placed a hand on his sword's handle thing and the aragorn cosplayer took a step toward her... not a menacing step just... kind of a step that she interpreted as ambiguous. She smacked a hand over her mouth. 

"sorry." she muttered around her fingers. She felt warmth in her cheeks and knew she was turning red.  
Gandalf shook his head and Gimli marched forward with his axe in his hands and a fierce look in his eyes and her shoulders went back and she stiffened up miserably. 

"Wait! What did I do?!" She yelped.

Aragorn rested a restraining hand on Gimli's shoulder. His dark brows were scrunched together. His eyes examined her. She nervously glanced at him and behind him at the rest of the people.

"I am seriously lost, okay I just... I don't even know how I got here there was a light and then I fell out of it and I'm in pain and it was dark! And... do you even understand a word I'm saying? Do you speak english? Am I in a different country?!" 

All through this panicked chirping she realized... she could hear herself... and she wasn't speaking words. She choked.  
And brought a hand up to her mouth again. And looked down at herself. Something about her hand caught her eye. She stared at her fingers, Between her fingers, something was stretched from the first knuckle between her index, middle, ring and pinkie, a soft expanse of skin like a bat's wing. She choked a little more. 

"?!" Frodo, she could tell it was frodo's voice without even looking. 

"-?" Aragorn, these cosplayers sound exactly like the movie actors. How uncanny. 

She pulled at the skin between her fingers and yelped. The nails on her hands were sharp. Sharp as little razors. She'd nicked the delicate webbing between her fingers on her razor nails.  
She wasn't going to puke.. she might scream though. She looked up and Aragorn glimpsed her white face and stepped forward in alarm. 

"My hands... and... look-" She held up her hands to the light of the stone on Gandalf's stick.

"What the hell happened to me?!" She cried. 

"!" Gimli barked.

She stumbled back, Gimli had an abrupt voice and manner. She wasn't sure it was conducive to calming down and not throwing up. 

"Please, I don't know..." She realized she was tugging at the skin between her fingers and stopped.

Gimli was frowning at her, so was aragorn and pretty much everyone.

"You're not cosplayers are you." She warbled at them. Frodo wasn't actually frowning at her so much as being concerned. She remember in the movie he was kind of a soft character. 

"This is not real." She spoke softly and trembled down onto her knees. 

"Nope." She clenched her hands and stared as aragorn stepped a little closer and extended a hand, concern in his face. Gimli looked awkwardly down at his axe and mumbled something into his beard.  
Gandalf was making his way over, stick with stone on top tapping across the floor. She looked up at the door way she was sitting in and realized the enormity of where she was.

"Moria... Nope. " she slumped against the stone.

"Definitely not gonna survive moria. Already walked into a wall. Can't even spend a day at work without running into something. Have bruises on my leg God knows where they even happened. I'm gonna fall off the side of one of those bridges and die." She babbled at them. Gandalf stopped two feet away and peered at her. 

"-." He spoke kindly and extended his hand in a gesture of get off your butt girl.

"I think you don't know how much trouble your going to get into later on in this expedition. I watched all the movies and... " She stopped with her mouth open and stared, eyes wide up at him.  
She grabbed his hand and scrambled up to her feet and startled gimli and gandalf quirked a smile at her renewed energy.

"Oh my god! I watched all the movies! I know what's going to happen! I can save you! well- well... I think, some things need to happen for character development-but some things like unnecessary bad things...!" She pointed a sharp finger at Boromir in excitement. 

"I'll SAVE YOU!" She yelped when Gandalf grabbed her arm and wrenched it down and stared into her face with the fierceness of a protective group leader. She meekly blinked back at him.

"I think only certain types can do magic stuff and I'm probably not one of them." She chirped softly at him, almost miserable again. His gaze softened and he looked over at Boromir who looked disturbed.  
She almost grinned but caught herself and her lips stretched over her teeth and she sliced the insides of them open.  
.  
"OW." she flinched and pushed her fingers against her teeth and promptly sliced them open too. Her teeth were sharper than her damn razor finger nails! Blood through the tiny cuts on her finger tips slipped down her hand and blood from the gashes on the inside of her mouth stained her teeth and she thinks she understands why grinning and smiling is maybe scary from her mouth because she's a vampire and middle earth to the best of her knowledge doesn't do vampires so why?! Why razor nails and bat wing webbing and sharp scary teeth?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who has time to write? Not me!  
> (oh and no... she's not a vampire.)

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what I am doing boomdeyada boomdeyada.


End file.
